One Liners

IF A POSTIE GETS BITTEN BY A DOG

They become Corgi registered.

IF A POSTIE STEALS ALL THE MAIL

They will get the sack.

IF YOU STEAL A CALENDAR

Be prepared to get twelve months.

CLICK & COLLECT

Click & return.

A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE

What am I doing here, again?

NUTS & BOLTS

Screws washers.

A FOOT IN THE DOOR

A foot in the mouth.

A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH

A pain in the a**e.

A KETTLE OF FISH

A bottom of a**e holes.

ONLY FOOLS

And a**e holes.

AN A***E HOLE AND HIS MONEY

Are soon parted.

EVERYONE WILL BE FAMOUS FOR 15 MINUTES

If you are an a**e hole, you will be famous for all the wrong reasons.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU THINK

You may end up saying something you will regret.

IF PLAN A FAILS

Do not worry, there are another 25 letters, which can be used.

HERE I AM LONLEY HEARTED

Paid a penny to s**t, BUT heard the a**e h**e next door.

DO NOT COUNT THE DAYS, MAKE THE DAYS COUNT

Otherwise your days will be numbered.

WE ARE ALL GUILTY

Of the things we have not done yet.

WHO EVER LAUGHS LAST

Will have their last laugh.

IT IS NOT THAT I HATE PEOPLE

I would prefer it if they b******d off.

WHAT DOES NOT KILL US

Makes us stronger (a**e h***s, are the exception to the rule).

ONE DOES NOT FAIL IN LIFE

One has not found the right solution.

I AM A VERY PRIVATE PERSON

With very private parts.

IF YOU COME TO A FORK IN THE ROAD

Pick it up and live on a knives edge.

ONE WHO SMILES WHEN THINGS GO WRONG

Is already plotting their revenge.

DO NOT PUT OFF WHAT CAN BE DONE TOMORROW

It can always be done next week.

IT IS NOT THE RUSH HOUR

It is the crush hour.

IF YOU WISH TO DOUBLE YOUR MONEY

Fold it in two.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

So avoid fruit and nuts.

IF THE MAKERS OF V**G*A TRADED ON THE STOCK-MARKET

The price would rise sharply.

A BAD WORKMAN ALWAYS BLAMES HIS TOOLS  

He is therefore a tool.

I AM NOT AFTER A BLESSING

I am after a bloody good disguise.

I MAY HAVE A FEW SREWS LOOSE

At least I know where they are, incase I need them.

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND

Unless they eat too much.

ONE PLUS ONE

Equals a window.

IF YOU CANNOT REMEMBER THE MISTAKES YOU MADE IN THE PAST

You will repeat them until you remember.

IT IS NOT THAT I AM PREJUDICED

I just do not like people.

MANKIND IS GREAT

People are the a**e h***s.

DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE

Before it is taken away from you.

BEUATY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

Until they are punched in the face.

WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE, YOU CANNOT MISS

Unless you steel it.

FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE P*****G YOUR PANTS

Everyone cans see, only you can feel the true warmth.

IF WALLS HAVE EARS

Then windows have eyes.

DO NOT JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER

Just judge the person reading it.

THE HARDER THEY FALL

The more their a**e hurts!

GREAT MINDS THINK A LIKE

Unless the other person is an a**e *h**e.

WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES

Another one opens and hits someone you do not like, in the face.

IF CATS HAVE NINE LIVES

We should all start purring.

BRICK WALLS & HUMANS HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON

They do not listen.

SUCCESS IS NO ACCIDENT

It is just a fluke.

DO NOT FIND FAULT

Use a sledge-hammer.

THE ONLY THINK WE HAVE TO FEAR

Is the next  general  election.

ALL TYPES OF SURGEONS

Are paid by the extraction.

IF SEEING IS BELIEVING

Then you should take another look.

IF IS SILENCE IS GOLDEN

Duct tape is silver.

EVERYONE APPEARS NORMAL AT FIRST

Then you get to know them.

IF LOVE IS BLIND

Then men should stop…

THOSE WITH A MEAN STREAK

Often have a brown streak in the underwear.

TWO’S COMPANY, THREES’S A CROWD

Four’s squared.

IF I HAD A BUNCH OF FIVES

I would save them for my worst enemy.

DON’T JUST BOOK IT

Thomas Cook it.

RIP to the Nations’ best friend Thomas.

IF EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING

Does this mean that the ‘electronic’ cloud, has a Pentium one.

I  MAYBE AN ARS* HOLE

However I am fed-up of being the butt of everyone else’s jokes.

ONE PERSONS TRASH

Is another persons hobby.

WHOEVER  LAUGHS LOUDEST

Makes everyone around them go deaf.

IF YOU LIE DOWN WITH DOGS

Expect to wake up with rabbis.

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS

Ask for drink.

IF ONE IS STUPID AND OPEN MINDED

Be careful as it may fall out and injure one.

BREAK THE ICE WITH SOMEONE YOU DO NOT LIKE

Then push them in.

LOST TIME IS NEVER FOUND AGAIN

Unless you are Dr Who.

A STITCH IN TIME

Stops words from exiting an a****oles mouth.

YOU CAN PICK YOUR FRIENDS

Sadly you cannot pick your family.

BLOOD MAY BE THICKER THAN WATER

Sometimes it is slightly thicker.

A FRIEND IN NEED

Is pain in the ...

IF ONE DOES NOT ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

I will make sure that one is kept in the dark for life.

MONEY MAY NOT GROW ON TREES

However it is made from trees.

WHAT GOES AROUND

Comes around and bites you on the a*se.

ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN

Sometimes it is just covered in urine.

RED SKY IN THE MORNING

The Shepherd had one too many last night. 

RED SKY AT NIGHT

The Shepherd has been at it again.

ONE CANNOT SPEND A PENNY ANYMORE

One has to urinate.

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR  CAKE

And throw it at someone you do not like.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED

Suck more seed.

A BIRD IN THE HAND

Is worth two in the Shepards bush.

WEATHER ONE CAST, WEATHER TWO CAST, WEATHER THREE CAST

Weather four cast.

THE NURSE SAID TO THE PATIENT

Just a little p**ck.

FOUR YEARS AGO I FELL AND FRACTURED MY KNEE

It is a very poignant day for me.

IF I CAME BACK TO EARTH,  I WOULD COME BACK AS A SEAGULL

So I can sh*t on those who p*ssed me off over the years as a human.

IF I WAS PAID A POUND EVERY TIME I F*RTED

I would be 'filthy' rich.

IF I HAD A BAG OF FINGERS

I would give a middle one to all those who get on my nerves.

IT IS NOT THAT I AM CARELESS

I care less.